When Soul Mates Are Betrayed
by Ldylaura2828
Summary: Vile story...Fate screws over Destiny.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: This is a terrible tale that should never be told. This day mare was started by seeds from angsty fanfiction writers. (Jim hooking up with someone & Pam blamed for not being able to see or fix her life) The concept has stuck in my brain, and has eaten at my soul. I would much rather write happy fluff but I need to try to purge this bile from my system. I feel like I am vomiting up pain with each chapter I type. I want to explore how each one of these characters is living in their own self-made hell. I feel sympathy for the destruction of their hearts. They do vile things in hopes to reclaim a sense of peace. I am not sure they will be able to find their way back to each other...though I am really hoping for that! So be warned, ICKNESS AHEAD...

When Soul mates Betray

Chapter 1  
Fate loves to fuck with destiny. Destiny is the path people glide on throughout their lives. Fate is what comes in and knocks them off the path just for the fun of it. A person is heading down a path comes to a corner. They make a choice at the intersection of life. A choice they are pretty sure leads them to where they want to be. This is where fate comes in and sets up a few unseen occurrences and decisions by others that alter our course and changes our lives.

Pam was anxiously awaiting Jim's return for Australia. She couldn't wait to see him! Pam couldn't wait to tell him. Couldn't wait to see the look on his face when he found out she was free. That after he had left she realized she could never be happy with Roy. She broke it off with Roy two hours after Jim left the country. She had called his mother to try to reach him, but he hadn't left any contact numbers. That was okay. Besides this was definitely not something to do over the phone. It would be so much better face to face. As she was awaiting Jim's return she got her life in order. She reapplied for the intern program. Pam opened a checking and savings account in her name. She was quite busy. Pam got rid of all reminders of Roy. Pam started to become Pam for the first time in years.

She had a clean slate and she was finally ready for Jim. After some soul searching, she realized she had lied to herself so long that almost she believed it. She had never loved anyone the way she loved Jim. He was her soul mate. She had put him through hell but she was going to make it up to him and herself.

Pam was so nervous sitting in her car waiting outside the address he had given her. He was returning this very evening. She could hardly sit still. Finally, she got out of her car and sat on his steps tapping her foot to the music coming from an open window. It was getting dark but it was a beautiful night. Pam smiled and felt like she was seeing in color for the first time. Her life was just beginning. She couldn't wait to jump into his arms.

_Ohhhh! There's his car_. She was jumping out of her skin with anticipation. Pam blinked to clear her vision but she still saw a woman in his car. After he parked, the woman leaned over and to give him a big kiss. Not a friend kiss but a lover's sexy kiss full of promise. Pam's sight was blurry now. She blinked again because somehow her eyes were filled with water and she was having trouble seeing. They broke the kiss and got out of the car laughing with happiness. A stab of pain went through her heart. _NO! This can't be happening!_

But the nightmare continued. Pam would have liked to been able to slip away or to compose herself but her car was only a few feet from his on the opposite side of the street. She tried to wipe her tears away and to put on a mask of indifference but that was just not possible. Pain was slicing through her with every breath she took. Jim had grabbed two suitcases from the backseat and was teasing his companion.

He reached the foot of the steps and look up. He thought he was seeing things because Pam was there. She was standing right there on his stairs. Jim dropped the suitcases in shock. Cindy, instantly materialize next to him and attached herself to his arm clearly staking her claim. Jim just stared open mouthed and confused as to why Pam was standing on his stairs. She should be with Roy living her happily ever after.

Pam opened her mouth and tried to say something. Nothing much would come out but the tears slide down her face betraying her. Quickly, she wiped her tears. She had to escape with her dignity if that was at all possible. She needed to say something and beat a path back home immediately. "Welcome home."

Jim didn't know what to say other there the oblivious. "Where's Roy?" Cindy didn't like that he didn't introduce her.

"Hi, I'm Cindy." She had a thick Australian accent, beautiful blonde hair and a killer body. Cindy towered over Pam with her model-like height.

Pam clutched the hand that was outstretched and shook it. "Hi, I'm Pam."

Cindy quickly returned her arm to Jim's to lock him to her. "Oh, yes. Jim mentioned you. Weren't you getting married?" Her voice dripped with nasty nice venom.

Pam was feeling ill. She needed to get out of here. "Yeah. Well, it's late and you guys are probably tired. Nice to have met you, Cindy. Good bye, Jim." Where the strength came to stand upright was beyond her. She walked normally to the car and it wasn't until she drove around the block that she pulled over and threw up. She sat there and sobbed for 30 minutes.

The thoughts of confusion swirled in her head. _How could he have hooked up with her? He loved me. He couldn't have loved me and gotten over me so quickly. Fuck him! I don't need him. I am going to die without him. I threw everything away for him. It was for the dream of him because he must be an asshole._ Argghhhh! Screams of her frustration caused several porch lights to be turned on. This chased her from his neighborhood.

Jim wasn't sure what just happened. It was as if the fantasy of the last two weeks vanished. Pam's appearance lifted the veil that the cloaked truth into a livable reality. He had convinced himself with the very persuasive help of Cindy that he was over Pam and was moving on. He tried not to make comparisons between Cindy and Pam but they were inevitable. However, Cindy was so different from Pam; it was not difficult to pretend that Cindy could make him happy.

In truth, Cindy numbed the pain. Cindy was there that night in the bar that happened to be Pam's wedding day. He tried to drink his love for Pam away. Cindy had listened and given him a shoulder to cry on as she guided him towards her bed. He didn't remember that night at all. Cindy gushed about it. She spent as much time with him over the next two weeks as she could. Jim enjoyed the attention of this beautiful woman and so he let things progress much quicker than they would have normally. Somehow 31 hours ago Cindy had decided she and Jim were destined to be together. She picked up her life and shipped it to Stamford. Jim hesitantly agreed that she could stay with him until she found a place. It started not to feel right but things were already set in motion.

Seeing Pam on his staircase obliviously awaiting his return made his stomach do unwanted flips. It was baffling that Roy would have let her make the drive to welcome him home. It just didn't make sense. The jetlag had set in. He hadn't slept in 35 hours. His mind stopped functioning. Jim tried to make Cindy feel welcome but then quickly went to sleep.

Pam didn't know what to do now that her plans no longer made sense. She beyond devastated. There was no more "normal" in her life. There was nothing and nobody. How did this happen? Over and over the same question chased around her mind, how could he have done this? But bottom-line, it didn't really mattered how it got this way, it was how things were. Jim had a girlfriend. He obliviously didn't love Pam. It was funny but after his kiss, that touched her soul, there was no way she could have let anyone touch her, especially not Roy. Since the kiss she could not have envisioned anyone but Jim touching her. The fact that he could let someone else touch him, kiss him or make love to him other than her sicken her. Her respect for him fell. His betrayal cut into her soul. It wounded her so deeply she didn't think the hole in her heart would ever heal. But she had to go on. He certainly had.

Jim awoke up to the beeping of his alarm clock. Where was he? He heard someone next to him mutter to, "Turn that fucking thing off." He did as requested without thinking of her foul mouth. He looked around. Oh yes, he was in Stamford in his new apartment with his new girlfriend starting his new job today. He pulled himself out of bed and into the shower. Jim tried to refuse to acknowledge the face he kept seeing in front of him. But that was completely impossible. Why had Pam come here? Why was she crying? Why? No answers were coming.

He phoned his mother on the way into work. "Hey. Sorry I didn't call you after I got in last night. I was so exhausted I went straight to bed."

"Oh not to worry, I just watched the news to make sure no planes crashed so I wasn't worried when I went to sleep...after midnight" His mom said to him in a mock tortured mom voice. Jim rolled his eyes and laughed. They chatted about his trip. It would only occur to him afterwards that he never mentioned Cindy until the very end of the conversation. Right before he arrived at work he told his mother about the girl who was rooming with him until she found her own place.

She didn't like this idea of living together but she especially did not like thinking about her little boy living with some strange woman. It wasn't right but it wasn't for her to say so she bit her tongue. Since the conversation was almost over there was no more stalling she had to ask him a question she thought might be very important. "Jim, did that nice Pam girl, did she ever get in touch with you?"

"Pam called you?" Jim's voice filled with confusion. "Why? Why did she call you? What did she want?"

"She called right after you left but we didn't have any of your numbers. She sounded very anxious to talk to you." His mom sighed as things were becoming clear.

"Mom, what did she want?" Jim sounded a bit desperate.

His mother frowned. "You, Jimmy. I think she wanted you." Even though Jim had never came out and told his family it was understood among them that he was in love with a girl named Pam. He would talk about her quite often. It wasn't the details he shared but the tone of his voice when he spoke about her and the look on his face. There was nothing they could say to make Jim not love a very sweet but very engaged woman, so they just left it alone and let him talk whenever he chose to do so.

A strangled sound came out of Jim's mouth. It sounded like what a wounded animal might sound like right before they died. It was awful but there was nothing his mother could do or say to ease this pain. Poor Jim. "I have to go mom. I love you." He shut his cell phone but letting out a scream of frustration_. Why? Why_? No answers were forth coming so he went to work.

Work went as he expected. He did well interacting with others. He might actually enjoy his job for the first time ever. Jim tried not to focus on the whys and hows of his life and concentrated on functioning. Mid-day he took his lunch at his desk to catch up on email.

There were several from Pam. The first one was sent two days after her wedding date. Why was she sending him email on her honeymoon?

Dear Jim,  
I hope you are having a wonderful time. I can't wait to hear all about it!  
You can't believe what Dwight did today. It was so idiotic I can barely stop laughing.  
Opps, Michael is heading this way.  
Love Pam

_Love Pam? Love Pam! Excuse me? She never signed her emails Love Pam. Why was she at work? Why wasn't she in Mexico?_ A small voice inside his head screamed as things were beginning to become clear. It can't be.

The next one sent at the end of his first week in Australia.

Dear Jim,  
I can't wait to see you. I know we have a lot to talk about but I think it is going to be just fine.  
I painted my bedroom a nice shade of soft yellow. I always loved that color but Roy would never let me paint any room that color. I am picking out new sheets and I decided on bright yellow. I hope they won't blind you. May be they will keep you up. HEHEHE!  
I wish you left your phone number but I can be patient.  
Seven days left...seven days never felt so long before.  
Lots of Love Pam

_Why will yellow in her bedroom keep me up? FUCK!_

Dear Jim,  
You will be home in 53 hours! I am doing a happy dance. I have been so patient and don't think I have been here pining for you. I accomplished a lot. I am finally me again for the first time in years and it feels amazing. I do what I want, when I want and I don't have to answer to anyone. I can't wait to see you. I am so looking forward to kissing you (just a little). I know you will be exhausted and we have so much to figure out. But I can't wait!  
Love you more than I can say,  
Pam  
52 hours and 47 minutes

It took all the control Jim had not to toss the computer. _Why? Why hadn't she told him before he left? Why had he left? Why did he not know? She loves me. His heart should have been singing at the news but he knew he had done the unforgivable. While she was home preparing for his homecoming, he had been burrowing down a hole to escape. How could he have done this to her?_

He needed to see her to be sure he understood. Jan had suggested he make it a short day due to jetlag. Jim decided to take her up on her offer.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
He beat the traffic and thankfully Pam's car was in the DM parking lot. The lot was empty except for her car. She must be staying late. By six o'clock, Jim decided to use the hide a key Michael kept in a fake rock. He didn't know what he was going to say but he needed to say something.

She didn't hear him come off the elevator. It was crazy, but just seeing the back of her head made his heart race. He could hear her clicking her mouse as all of her attention was on the computer screen. She picked up a tissue and blew her nose. Jim couldn't see the entire screen but it looked like a graphic drawing of him. She was working on a computer generated imagine of him. When he was about six feet away from her, she spun around in her chair.

"Ahhh! You scared me." Pam spoke before she registered to whom she was speaking. "Jim." She quickly turned and closed the screen. _It was so embarrassing. Everything was so embarrassing_! Pam had spent a good part of the day trying to retract the emails she had sent him over the past two weeks. It mortified her to know he received them. As if that isn't enough he comes in to find her mooning over a rendering she made of him. She made it just to feel closer to him.

"Hey." His voice gave his usual greeting but it seems to be laced with a tenderness one might use with the words "I love you". They simply stared at each other. Their eyes were just drinking other in for one final moment. He watched her carefully hide her love for him under a fake little smile. It was her smile that made him want to rip things apart. It was the same one she would use when Roy did something completely hurtful.

_Say something_! She wasn't sure who she was talking to but she knew someone needed to fill this very loud silence. Anything she thought of sounded completely assassin but it couldn't be helped. _He must already think of her as an idiot. How could she have let her guard down? How could she have assumed he still loved her? She rejected him. She was getting married. She had no claim to him. Screw that! He kissed her down to her soul. He said he loved her. She didn't know that it would expire so soon. He was supposed to be hers. How dare he betray her this way? _

As he looked at her, he was filled with such pain and loss he could barely stand. He knew her so well; he could almost hear her thoughts working. She faked a smile when she realized it was him. Then a blush washes over her, probably as she thought of the emails she sent to him. Then a flash of anger and bitterness that scared him. He had never seen such hatred wash over her beautiful face. Finally, a mask of practiced indifference that carefully covered all her clashing emotions was the final consequence of her thoughts.

_He needed to say something. Say anything but what_? It was supposed to be easier with Pam. She beat him to the punch. "So did you enjoy Australia?" Her voice was tight and sounded foreign but at least a coherent sentence emerged from her lips.

"Pam?" How could she ask that? Was she going to try to pretend none of this mattered?

"Yes?" She affected a perfect almost giddy tone with him. He knew it was phony but this was how she was going to play it.

"Why?" It was a simple question that belied the complexity of the real question. But he deserved an answer.

"Why? Why, what?" Her voice was strained. The pretense of normalcy she was trying hard to embody was quickly slipping out of her reach as she was forced to speak to him. "Why did you come here?"

Jim shook his head and looked at her with pure love. "You know why I came. Why?"

She snapped. How dare he give her that look that said he cared? He didn't. He couldn't otherwise he wouldn't have... "Why what Jim? Why didn't I get married? Why did I send you those stupid emails? Why was I on your doorstep last night? Why did I love you? Which why Jim?" Her voice rose progressively with each question.

She loved him. Her admission gave him none of the happiness he had dreamed it would bring. It was like a knife stabbing him in his heart. _How could life suck this bad_? "Why didn't you get married?" It was the question that mattered the least so it was the easiest to start this verbal hell.

Pam laughed. She sounded bitter and a bit hysterical. "Oh, don't worry; I didn't break it off with Roy because of you." That was mostly a lie. It was that kiss that touched her heart and soul that had woken her up. After that she could no longer believe in the fantasy that she could make herself and be happy with Roy if only she tried hard enough. "I didn't marry him because I wanted to be me again." _And he wasn't you!_ "Next question." She was acting like an uncaring bitch.

"Do you still love me?" Jim could stop the question. It was the most important one.

Pam gasped. _He had no right to ask that. No right at all._ "It doesn't really matter Jim." It came out more like a sob. She hadn't realized but she was crying. So much for trying to be less pathetic then I am.

Taking her trembling hands in his he told her, "Yes it does matter. It matters very much to me."

She looked at him with all the love in her heart that was trying to escape the crazy maze it was in. Her eyes told him how much and how deeply she loved him. She closed her eyes so her mouth could lie. "I loved you more than anything. I did love you Jim." Her heart disagreeing with her use of the word did.

"Did?" Jim voice cracked. The word pierced his heart. Did meaning as in past tense not currently. Did as in never again? He lost her. He had the one person he lived for finally return his love but then lost her. His own stupidity and sorrow made him abandon his quest hours prior to succeeding. Misery swept through him. His agony and hurt settled on his face.

She was a terrible person but it made her happy to know that she could still cut him. It was a swallow victory but she was glad to know that he hurt too. "I hope that makes you happy because all loving you have ever given me is pain. There has never been any pleasure in loving you. It has just been a pain of wanting something I could never have. I am so tired of never having what I want or need ever."

Jim winched. He wanted to stop her angry words. He needed her to stop and just be Pam again. But that was never going to happen. "I know exactly how you feel." There was nothing left to say. He destroyed the one thing that was most precious to him. He turned and left.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Pam slumped down in her chair. The tears continued to flow until they finally stopped with a vow. She vowed never to be in this situation again. From now on she was going to live and have fun and never fall in love again. She would lock down her heart. She had changed her life so much in the past few weeks. Pam was new and improved. She had a bright future ahead of her. She couldn't change her past but she wanted to erase it from her memory.

Pam needed help with the next level of her evolution as well as a partner in crime. She called her best friend from high school, Betty and asked for some company this weekend. Betty couldn't wait to see Pam! They had drifted apart because she couldn't stand to see Roy treat her friend so poorly. She had been thrilled Pam cancelled the wedding because Roy was just a jerk. Pam could do so much better!

Betty arrived on Friday night and they sat around and talked getting tipsy on wine coolers. Betty knew something was wrong because Pam's smile didn't reach her eyes. She had known her long enough to know something was up. Finally, after plying Pam with wine coolers and leading questions. Pam spilled her guts. She sobbed as she told Betty everything that happened in the past two weeks. After another wine cooler, she told her everything that happened in the office prior to that. It hurt to recall all sweet and wonderful things Jim had said and done over the past four years. Betty hugged her as Pam cried and cried.

When Pam quieted down and was hiccupping, Betty knew what needed to be done. "Look sweetie I have never been in love like that before but I think I know what you need to do. We definitely need to do the make over as planned. I am talking hair, nails; make up, clothing and spa treatments. Then we are going out on the town and break some hearts."

Pam smiled. She adored Betty. Pam nodded her agreement. "Okay. I am with you on everything except breaking some hearts."

Betty laughed. "That is the most important part. You need to get over Jim and the way to do that is someone else."

"I can't imagine that." Pam blushed. "I haven't been with anyone except Roy."

Betty patted her on the hand. "All the more reason we need to get you out there! You need a stepping stone man."

"A what?" Pam did not like the sound of this at all.

"You know the rebound guy. Someone who helps you step away from your heartbreak guy. Someone who appreciates you, who can help you mend your heart."

Pam frowned. "I don't want to use someone like that."

"It isn't really using him because he is getting something out of it too. Think of the guy as more of a medic." Betty reasoned with her.

Pam laughed feeling very drunk. "You are crazy!" They talked for several more hours, pigged out on pizza and finally went to bed.

Saturday was a busy day. Betty made them spa appointments. She convinced Pam it was mandatory to starting over. They started with massages, then facials, moving on to manicures and pedicures after lunch and finished their treatments early afternoon with hair and make up. The stylists fawned over Pam because they could smell spa virgin. They knew she was ready to take any and all advice within reason. They had seen it before hundreds of times. Women coming in to repair their broken hearts with styling products, so they helped heal them. They truly enjoyed helping these women rediscover themselves after love life devastation. In Pam's case, they were helping her find her beauty for the very first time. The stylists were giddy with power and gave her extra attention and instruction. The squeak of shock Pam made when she saw how beautiful she was equated to a salongasm. Even Betty was surprised at what Pam had been hiding. Now the owner of the salon pressed her into a promise to maintain her look and never to deny the world of her beauty again.

Pam shred a tear. "Thank you all so much." She couldn't believe this was her.

The salon owner tsked. "Enough! No tears. You will ruin your make up." He gave her a big hug and gave them both a discount for a return visit.

Betty caught her friend looking in the mirror again. "Oh stop primping you look fabulous darling." She laughed as Pam blushed. "On to the shopping part of our adventure, Pam-Pam."

Betty refused to let her friend settle for anything that didn't look great. She ensured that Pam only purchased body flattering styles and the right colors for her skin. When they returned home with a ton of bags Pam felt almost happy. Betty demanded they go through her current clothes. Pam fought over keeping pieces in the beginning until Betty dragged her in front of a mirror and said "This Pam doesn't wear that kind of thing anymore." Pam released most of her old frumpy clothing and found it was a freeing experience.

Pam was getting ready for bed. Betty stopped her. "What are you doing?"

"I, um well, I am getting ready for bed why?" Pam was a little confused by her friend. After all it was 10 o'clock at night. Betty went over the closet and pulled an outfit. A slinky dress that matched Pam's eye color was pulled.

"Nope, put this on." Betty handed it to her. "We are going out in twenty minutes, babe."

Pam's protests fell on deaf ears. She found herself in a downtown club by eleven. It was funny but she had forgotten most people don't go to bed by ten! Betty dragged her onto the dance floor. Pam loved dancing so she was beginning to have fun. She was smiling at her friend. Soon she looked up and realized there were several men dancing around them. She started laughing as it felt like she was caught in a net of men. That evening men bought them drinks and gave them their numbers. Several of them tried to move Pam to dark corners but Betty was always there to rescue her.

Pam danced until two am! She was breathless but full of energy when they were leaving. She felt great for first time in forever. She felt young, happy and free.

Betty looked at her and giggled. "My work here is done!" Pam giggled right back because she knew she was going to be okay. It was time to live for the very first time in her life.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

As he drove home from Scranton, he was overwhelmed. He was angry and frustrated and had only himself to blame. How could he have been with anyone other then Pam? She was the very air he breathed and now he had made her hate him. As soon as he saw Pam he knew Cindy wasn't more than a painkiller. He should have recognized this before. After all, he used painkillers in the form of relationships several times over the past four years when the pain of loving Pam became intolerable. He was ashamed to admit but he did it again.

Jim's weekend was miserable. Cindy was clinging to him like a vine. She wouldn't give him a moment to think. It was as if she knew he wanted the time to find a way to dump her. It was terrible that he had let her come all this way but he needed her gone. Every time he looked at her, he only saw was what caused him to lose Pam. She wanted to have sex and he avoided her. As beautiful as she was, his skin crawled when she touched him. She was getting aggressive in her seductive methods on Sunday night and it caused a fight.

Jim was going to take the opportunity and break it off. It would be easier and cleaner then telling her the real reason it could never work. This would hurt much less then saying"I won't ever love you. I can't love anyone but her." When he told her he didn't think this wasn't working out she responded with tears.

"Look you can stay here for the week while you are making reservations and I will go to a hotel." Jim tried to not sound so relieved. His life was still a mess but at least it would be less of one with her gone.

"No you can't." She screamed. She was hysterical now.

"Cindy, it is for the best." Jim calmly reasoned with her.

"How can you say it would be best for a child to be raised without its father?" Her voice was accusatory but crystal clear.

Jim's world imploded. Happiness ended with losing Pam but now his life really was over. "What? We used protection every time!" Jim was horrified at this sick joke the cosmos was playing. He was always careful because he didn't want to have this ever be an issue until he wanted to be a father. He never even went through a pregnancy scare because he always used condoms and the girls were always on the pill.

"Not every time. Obliviously." She patted her tummy lovingly as she said that. Jim was going to be sick. "That first night you were really drunk. You probably don't remember it."

That was true enough. How could he have done this to Pam? He didn't remember much from that first night. His Pam was getting married; he didn't want to remember anything. It was all together possible that he had unprotected sex with her. She had said he was great in bed so he didn't argue. Since he had already made love to her he did it again and again. She helped him weave a veil of fantasy over his broken heart. She helped numb the pain of reality. Now it looks like this painkiller was going to cost him every last shred of hope. He didn't know what to say so he went to go sleep on the couch.

Work on Monday really capped the weekend. They were all called in for a meeting in the conference room. The concepts of downsizing and merger were explained to them. Things started to get surreal as they explained that Stamford was going to be merging with Scranton. Apologizes were made quickly. They could decide to take an exit package or make the move to Scranton. Life was just too cruel at times.

Jan catch him in the hallway. "Hey, sorry we had you moved out here only to send you back. At least you didn't get too settled. You are staying right?" Jan realized she had just assumed Jim would be staying.

Jim nodded without thinking. "Yeah."

Jan smiled with relieve. "Well, good then. You can go back starting next week." She hurried on to chat with some others.

Jim sat in his office the rest of the day. No work was done. He was spinning with confusion, anxiety, frustration and anger. This was almost too silly for words. If only he knew Pam loved him. If only had hadn't hooked up with Cindy. If only he hadn't gotten her pregnant. If only he still had hope. He had nothing. He was used to feeling the pain of loving Pam but now he seemed to be in a vacuum of emptiness. It was as if he was on emotional overdrive for so long that he just felt empty. He was beyond emotion.

That evening he explained to Cindy what the situation was at work. He would stay with his old roommate Mark while he worked in Scranton during the week. He would come back here on the weekends. Cindy wasn't happy but knew there wasn't anything she could say to change his mind. She tried to convince him to have sex with her but the look of disgust on his face stopped her in her tracks. Cindy was a smart girl and knew she had to bide her time. She may have lost this battle but the war was far from over.

He called Mark who was surprised but quickly told him he was welcome. Jim spent the rest of the week packing and staring off into space. He wasn't sure how Pam was going to response to him being there again. Amazing how any life altering thing in his life and the first thing he thought he has is about was how it will affect Pam. He would have to work on that. Sighing deeply. Life just sucks!

Chapter 5  
Pam was embarrassed the attention her appear had gotten her at work. She even toned down her make up but still people were gushing over her. It felt really nice. Even Angela asked where she went. Ryan smiled at her and told her how much he liked her hair. She blushed because she could tell he really meant it.

Michael gathered them in the conference room with a big smile. He told them all I told you so and that they should trust him more for five minutes before Stanley demanded to know why they were there in the first place. Michael giggled with glee telling them about the merger with Stamford and how they were all staying but people from Stamford were joining them.

Pam's mouth dropped out. Oh, God. How could she be the new and improved Pam in front of Jim? "And yes Pam, Jim is coming back. So more Pam Pong everybody!" Michael didn't realize what his careless words did to her. Michael was surprised she wasn't happier. "What does Jim have another girlfriend?" He said it jokily. "What did he bring back an Aussie?" She felt herself losing it so she got up and quietly went into the bathroom and cried. She needed to stop making an ass out of herself every time Jim's name came up. It must now be clear to everyone that Pam left Roy to be with Jim tossed her over for another girl.

When she came out of the bathroom, people looked at her with sympathy akin to pity. How pathetic she must seem to all of them. She needed to move on. As she was thought about how she was going to do that Ryan walked over to her desk.

He smiled at her. Ryan was really cute, short but cute. "Do you want to grab a drink later?" She wondered if it was a pity date but she thought it might be real. It would not go anywhere but wasn't that the point. Ryan had just volunteered to be the "stepping stone" guy. As if trying to convince her he added, "We can just talk. I know what you are going through."

Pam realized he did know exactly what she was going through. Kelly had been dating a doctor for the last couple of weeks and she was already singing about marriage. She wasn't even doing it to make Ryan jealous she was just really happy. Ryan, like Pam, had figured out his feelings just a little too late. Pam smiled sadly at him. "Yeah I guess you do know. Sure. How about at 5:15?

Ryan nodded and went back to his desk. Pam felt really sad about making the date but she needed to do something. She spent the remaining time clock watching and playing free cell.

Ryan took his car. He was very sweet opening the door for her. He turned on his car and his stereo filled the car with GreenDay. A very sad lonely song was playing. Ryan shrugged and turned it way down. "Sorry."

"No problem." Pam felt the song echoing in her heart and started softly singing the words willing her self not to cry.

Ryan was very good company. He was smart, funny and very interesting. She now understood why Kelly had pursued him so intently. Ryan was quite a catch. Finally, the smile ran away from his face and he grabbed her hand. "Pam, I just want you to know. I understand what you must be feeling. You don't have to go into details but I just want to be clear. Jim has someone else?"

Tears rushed to her eyes and a strangled sound escaped her throat. She could only nod.

Ryan swore to himself when he looked at Pam. "I am really sorry, Pam, not that that gives you any comfort. I know I'm not Jim but I think we could have some fun." Ryan knew the score and wanted to set the record straight. "So are you ready to move on? Are you in the market for the rebound man?" He tried to make light of it and even grinned.

Pam blushed and looked down. She couldn't afford to waste anymore time. She needed to move on and away from heartbreak. Then she got the courage up to flirt. "Actually I am seeking more of a stepping stone man or boy toy if you will." She even batted her eyelashes.

Ryan laughed out loud at Pam's unexpected boldness. He nodded and pointed to his chest. "Well, look no further. I am perfectly trained in the no-strings attached non-relationship. My feelings will not get hurt when you toss me aside for someone better. I will provide you with as much fun and distraction you allow." He lowered his voice which was sounding very sexy. "Satisfaction is guaranteed."

Pam's giggled. "That's what she said!" She wanted a drum hit for that one!

Ryan laughed. "No Pam, that's what I said." Ryan stared at her intently as he drew light circles on her hand. He would definitely enjoy being her boy toy. The potential was amazing. This would help them both forget.

Mmmm yum! Pam returned his smile. She shivered as he stroked her palm. Watching his long finger caress her palm, she felt it in other places. "Mmmm, that feels really nice Ryan." She was getting a bit turned on. Damn, how long has it been?

"Yeah, I can make it feel nicer if you want me too." His other hand snaked under the table and started stroking behind her knee. It was really forward but he found most girls loved it. The look on Pam's face told him she was no exception. Her breath was coming out in pants and she was wiggling in her seat. Yup, light stroke behind the knee and it just opens their legs. He continued to touch her palm as he stared into her eyes. If she let him he could bring her such pleasure. He wondered how far she would let him go in the bar. His voice was a bit rough because he was aroused by this situation as well. "So do you want me to make it feel nicer for you, Pam?"

She nodded her head and her legs spread just a little bit. He grinned at her as he recognized that as surrender. His hands gently went under her skirt and began climbing in circles up her thigh. "Tell me Pam. Do you come here often?" He couldn't resist toying with her.

Pam missed the double entrendre. "No, I have never come here."

Her innocence response made his grin wider. "Well, I think we need to change that. You should come a lot." It was priceless to see her face as she finally registered the joke. His fingers were whisper away from her clitoris. He could feel the heat and need. There was no pain in this moment for either of them. "Do you want to come here, Pam?"

She blushed now that she knew what he was talking about but nodded.

Ryan liked to hear the breathless surrender of a good girl. It was so erotic to control her but if she wanted to get off she needed to ask for it. "Say it Pam." He gently touched to elastic of her panties. He kept running his finger along the elastic teasing her. "Say it Pam. Tell me you want to come here. That you want to come right here."

"I want to come here." She whispered it.

As he pulled her elastic away from her skin he leaned towards her, "Louder Pam. Say it louder and with my name." His long finger stroked very gently along very wet skin.

Pam was so turned on, she couldn't help herself. "I want to come here Ryan. I want to come here right now." It was like a plea.

It was music to his ears. He moved his finger towards the middle to stroke her clitoris. Pam moaned and turned her face into his shoulder. Ryan liked that she needed him at least in this way. He could meet her physical needs and her emotional needs would be fulfilled in time by someone else. He moved a second finger under her panties and carefully grasped her clitoris. He learned in high school girls loved to have their clitoris treated like a little dick, so he slowly jerked her off. She was climbing towards orgasm at an alarming rate. Ryan moved his fingers quickly and made good on his promise. Satisfaction. Pam came on his fingers while seated in a bar, it was terribly erotic.

When he was sure she was finished her removed his fingers and put her panties back where they belonged. She looked up at him with a dazed look in her eyes. Then she just unexpectly laughed. It was a musical sound.

Ryan, master of understatement made her laugh further, "Well, I guess you needed that."

Pam laughed. "You could say that!" She shook her head. Pam was breathless and blushing. She was gorgeous. Never had she done anything like that. She was actually satisfied for the first time in weeks. She had foolishly kept herself waiting for Jim's return. No thoughts of that. He made his choice and now I need to move on. Pam realized she just selfishly indulged herself without giving any thought to Ryan. "Could, I um return the favor?"

Now there was a good question. "You don't have to but if you want to I certainly won't stop you." Ryan watched her carefully wondering what thoughts were chasing around her head.

She looked nervously around the bar. There seemed to be so many people around. Even though they were in a semi-private place it was still so public. Ryan smiled. "How about we adjourn to the car." She smiled and nodded.

Ryan opened the door for her and then drove them over to a darken parking lot. He locked the doors and turned towards her. She looked scared. The chilled night air and lapse of time cooled her passion. He shrugged and smiled sheepishly. "You don't have to do anything."

Pam insisted. "But I want to. I just, I just, I don't know. I need it to be like in the bar." It was like Ryan took away her choice. She had no choice but to submit.

"Hmmm, a little bit of a submissive, are you? Okay then. Kiss me." Ryan demanded of her.

Pam immediately didn't think she just followed the order. She gave him a hot sexy kiss. Her hands went down to his pants and touched him through the fabric. His dick tented out his pants. She grabbed hold of him through the material and squeezed. It had been a while since Ryan had anything other than his own thoughts and hand to bring him to fruition.

"Now take me out and make me cum, Pam." Ryan swallowed a moan. Damn, this felt so good. Pam was wide eyed as she tentatively stroked his cock. "That's right Pam. Up and down. Make me cum. Lick my neck, Pam." Instantly she was licking his neck as she continued giving him a hand job. If she stopped to think she would have been mortified but she wasn't thinking. She was blissfully focused on something over than her broken heart. "Yeah, Pam that's it." He was pushing up into her fist almost fucking him self. "Yeah, mmmmmm, yeah." Just like that Ryan came all over Pam's hand, his pants which he didn't think to move out of the soak zone and a bit got on Pam's blouse. Ryan smiled with relief. "That was good. Thank you."

He sounded like she had passed him the salt. But may be that's how she needed to see it. She decided to be cute. "You are most welcome. I guess you needed that too."

Ryan shrugged and nodded. Pam was a bit wiggly in her seat. He smiled when he realized she was ready for more. He smiled and looked her in the eye. "Pam, would you like to go back to my place?"

Pam found her conscious. "You must think I am a slut."

Ryan quietly sighed and denied her accusation. "No, Pam I think you have a broken heart and you are looking for a painkiller. I am willing to be your nova cane for a bit." He sounded sad but practical. He really expected her to say she couldn't go home with him.

She needed to move on. Jim certainly had. "Okay." She smiled with determination. "Let's go." She turned on the CD and started singing again. Ryan noticed she was louder this time and she had a very sweet voice. He joined her in song. It was a nice.

Once they were at his apartment, they became awkward again. Ryan realized it was up to him to move this along one way or another. "Again, we don't have to do anything. We can just hang out." He brushed her hair behind her ears.

Her mind screamed at her. Don't do that. Jim did that. Don't touch me. I want Jim. Her practical side reminded her of the facts. Well, you can't have Jim. Jim doesn't want you. No sense pining. You wasted 10 years of your life, no more! Ryan is offering you some pleasure take it. Jim took his pleasure with someone else. Her eyes welled up with tears. Ryan noticed them. "It's okay Pam. Really. It will be okay." He was wiping away her tears.

Jesus, what am I doing here? She loves Jim. How could he expect her to...Pam grabbed him and kissed him. She needs me to help her forget until the pains manageable. I have done this before so I can do it again. Who am I kidding? She's gorgeous that's why I am here. Ryan deepens the kiss until he heard Pam moan. He pulled her on to his lap so she was straddling him. Only thin material of her wet panties and pants separated the two of them. Ryan's fingers found the buttons of her blouse. Soon he was removing her bra. She was indeed beautiful. Pam was a bit passive but she was grinding herself down on his erection working her up into quite frenzy. Her eyes are closed I wonder if she is pretending I am him?

His ego and pride wouldn't allow that. If she were going to use him to deaden her pain, the least she was going to know who was going to fuck her into amnesia. "Look at me, Pam. Look at me." He said in between licking her nipples. Her eyes opened with a moan. "That's right. Do you want me inside of you, Pam?"

Pam didn't want to open her eyes. She was pretending it was Jim. When she opened her eyes, she saw Ryan's handsome face. He really is sexy and he mmmmm sure knows what he is doing? She nodded but knew that would not be enough. Ryan wanted her to acknowledge who she was with and what she wanted. It was like making her beg. Pam had no idea why but she liked it. It kept it away from intimidate love making and kept it firmly into the dirty sex category. "Yes, Ryan I want YOU inside of me. Please. Deep inside. I need you."

That's what he needed to hear. He loved how a woman's voice got all gravely and deep when they got needy. He pushed Pam onto her back and pulled her panties down. Her skirt was bunched up like a belt. It wasn't in the way so he just left it there. Ryan pulled off his shirt and tossed it. His pants were off in a flash as he looked down at Pam laid out like an entree. He grabbed a condom from the end table and rolled it on. He could see she was turned on she glistened. He got between her bent legs and teased her with his dick. He smiled at her desperate moan. Her wordless pleas as she watched him move his dick back and forth teasingly her beyond reason. "Pam, do you want me to make you cum?" She nodded eagerly. "Come on Pam. You know what you have to do. Do you want me to shove my cock inside of you until you cum all over it?"

Her insides clenched. She was helpless. She needed this. She needed Ryan to take care of the ache. "Please Ryan" Pam gasped as he lined his dick up with her opening. He posed at the ready but he wouldn't move. It looked like he was in perfect control of himself. Unlike me! It was a bit irritating but then he moved a bit and provided her with all the encouragement she needed. "Ryan please. Be inside me! Make me cum on you!" She was almost yelling. "Please!"

As she said please, he stroked in giving her exactly what she needed. God, she is tight! He felt her muscles clench and squeeze him. She was ready to cum so he gave her what she needed. A couple well placed insertions and she came all over his cock. Ryan always found it, so beautiful to watch a woman cum. In and out he helped her ride out the pleasure until she was done. She stared up at him panting. He held himself above her just looking rather smug. She wanted to roll her eyes but he deserved to be smug. Wow!

When Ryan felt she was recovered enough to start again he stroked in and up. Pam's eyes flew open. He smiled down at her. "Did you think we were done?" The look of shock on Pam's face told him she was in unchartered terrority. Roy should be ashamed. Ryan was going to make it up to her. "We aren't done. You especially are not done. Let's see how many times you can orgasm." Ryan moved in a circular motion which put the end of his cock in contact with her G-spot. She was already tensing up. "I think we are going to be counting soon." Pam clearly surprised but certainly ready for more. Ryan set a nice pace and soon Pam was cumming again. Ryan made her made her cum two more times before he finally pulled out and came himself. He would have liked to cum inside her but he knew that triggered emotions for women. Ryan didn't want this situation to be anymore complex then it already was for either of them.

He fell along side of her onto the floor. Pam looked content and satisfied. He felt pretty good himself. She reached over and pet his head like you would a good pet. He smiled at her sweetness. They just stayed there together but separated in their own minds. He knew she might be cold so he pulled a blanket from the drawer on the coffee table. He laid it over her. She opened her eyes and smiled at him.

Ryan was happy she didn't look sad and uncomfortable. He wanted to keep it that way. "So you hungry?"

Pam's stomach answered for her with a grumble and they both laughed. He cooked them up some steaks and she made them some salad. They relaxed in each other's company for a while.

Finally, Pam's curiosity got the better of her. "Ryan, do you do this a lot?"Ryan arched his eyebrow and smiled at her. "What play the 'Rebound Guy'?" Pam nodded. Ryan shook his head up and down. "Yeah, I have it written on my forehead." He pushed back the hair that always found its way to his face. "See." He chuckled but Pam could tell he was not happy about it. No, Pam no pity! "Look, after it happened the third time where I was only a 'stepping stone' as you called it, I figured why not specialize in it. The sex is great and I help beautiful woman. How can that be bad?"

"Yeah, but Kelly." Pam questioned.

"Kelly." Ryan spoke her name like one spoke of a dream. Pam knew his mind drifted off into places it would rather not be. Shaking his head, he seemed to do that to think. "Kelly, wasn't supposed to happen. It was a simple hook up. But then I got to know her." Ryan smiled. "When I ran away she always caught me. At some point, I stopped minding her catching me. I knew I was in trouble when I stopped running all together." Ryan hurried on, as if trying to rush past the pain. "And well, as you can see where that got me." He gave Pam a sad smile and touched her hand. "So that's why. It's much easier this way. Hurts less..."

Pam felt really bad for Ryan and for herself. What a mess! She reached for Ryan and pulled him in a hug. Pam whispered in his ear. "Ry, let me be your painkiller too." Ryan groaned and they numbed each other for most of the night.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 6  
Jim couldn't believe that he was heading back in the Scranton office. He had come back last night to settle back into his old room at Mark's place. It felt so different even though nothing has changed. Everything had changed. He went to Australia and made the biggest mistake of his life. Had he waited just a little longer he wouldn't have thrown everything away trying to blunt the pain. Now he had a responsibility he neither wanted nor expected. Life sucked!

As he entered the office building, he realized it smelled the same. He rode the elevator alone as he tried to quiet his butterflies. He really wanted to see Pam and spend time with her but it wasn't right, not when Cindy was waiting for him in Stamford. Cindy and his child were depending on him. How the hell did this even happen?

He walked through the DM doors and was literally stopped in his tracks. She was always the most beautiful woman in the world to him but now she was stunning for all to see. He was shocked. She looks like a Goddess. She had changed her hair, her clothes and was even wearing a little make-up. He tried to be causal about it but his heart was racing like crazy.  
Old habits die hard. He stopped at reception and said, "Hey." He wondered for a moment if she knew that what he actually said was that he loved her, that he would always love her, and that if he could change everything he would. He doubted it.

She smiled up at him, giving him a practiced smile. "Hi!" She said it in an overly bright fashion. His stare made her lose her train of thought. She widens her eyes at her as she questioned, "What?"

He didn't know what to say but he couldn't stop staring. "You look..." He shook his head as if trying to figure out what word fit her best but he was stumped.

Ryan had been watching Jim's entrance. Damn it! He still loves her. It was oblivious by the way Jim stopped dead in his tracks to stare at her. He drank her in like a man dying of thirst. Seeing Pam go pale as she tried to hold it together wasn't pleasant either. Ryan knew Pam was still in love with Jim. So he knew she must be feeling pretty overwhelmed by the situation so he decided a rescue was in order. "Hot. Halpert, I think the words sexy hot is what you are struggling to find to describe this vision in front of you, formerly known as Pam."

Jim did not look happy with Ryan stepping in to supply him with an adjective. The word "hot" seemed almost disrespectful even though it was very true. Jim also did not appreciate the grateful smile Pam gave Ryan. Ryan held out his hand. "Good to have you back, man." Jim shook his hand a bit confused. He felt like he was missing something but shrugged it off.

He went to sit at his old desk when Dwight stopped him. "No! You sit there." Dwight pointed out another desk. "I sit in front of Michael's door now. I am his sentry. No one enters without my permission. Got it?" Dwight's eyes narrowed on him.

Dwight was a character and he was so serious with his craziness. It was hard for Jim not to just laugh in his face but it was best to lull him into a false sense of security. Nodding with a frown to hide laughter, Jim said, "Got it?" He went over the Dwight's old desk which was facing the reception desk. Fate is really kicking my ass today! He would not even have to try to look at her; he would be facing her dead on. The desk's position was wonderful and cruel all at once.

He got little to no work done. Between readjusting to Dwight's bizarre habits, Michael's constant questions about Jan, Cindy calling his cell phone no less than 7 times and having Pam look like she stepped off the cover of a magazine, he was ready for five o'clock when it finally arrived.  
At 5:05, he over heard something disturbing. It sounded like Ryan and Pam were meeting up after work. It was probably just a work thing but he noticed no one else had been invited. He was a few steps behind them and watched them walk out together. Ryan opened Pam's door and then she reached over and opened his. Jim's heart was sinking with each passing moment. They were too comfortable with each other. I am just tired. They are just friends. He was very tempted to follow them but what could he do? Jim went home and went straight to bed. He had quite enough for one day.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 7  
Ryan was concerned with Pam. She seemed extra sad tonight. It was oblivious seeing Jim all day took its toll. "Pam, it's cool if you just want to go home or something." He wanted her to feel no pressure.  
Pam smiled in that sad way of hers and asked him, "Can we just watch a movie or something?" She wanted to be with him but not sleep with him.  
Ryan nodded. "Sure. Want to order some Chinese food and eat in?"  
"Sounds good." That being said she promptly burst into tears. She cried like she lost her best friend and Ryan supposed she had. Ryan draped an arm around her as she sobbed. When she was done, she excused herself to freshen up and he ordered the food.  
She came out of the bathroom and gave him a watery smile. "Sorry,Ry. It's just..." Just what? So hard to look at the man I love all day and know that he is with someone else. "It's just...hard."  
"That's what she said!" Ryan had to try to get her to laugh and he was rewarded with a smile. "Sorry, it was too good of a set up to pass by." He made a horrified face and looked at Pam with concern. "Am I becoming Michael?"  
Pam did laugh at that. "No. Trust me you are not becoming Michael!"  
The food came soon after and they ate in silence. Pam seemed lost in thought. When Ryan was no longer able to ignore the pink elephant in the room, he asked, "You want to talk about it or should I just keep my mouth shut?"  
Pam shrugged. "What is there to say?"  
Ryan choked a bit on his noodles. "I'd say a lot! It's oblivious he has feelings for you." Ryan watched her face turn into one of disbelief.  
"Right that's why he hooked up as soon as he left the country? Please!" Pam didn't want to cry anymore. She was so tired of feeling the loss and hurt. "You didn't see him with her. He obliviously loves her."  
"Pam, you're right I have only seen him with you. He still loves you."  
A forbidden sob escaped Pam before she regained control of herself. "No, he doesn't he couldn't. He hooked up with Cindy, that's her name, on his first night in Australia and then he bought her home. I loved him so much I cancelled my freaking wedding! I couldn't imagine spending my life with anyone else! I couldn't even imagine kissing anyone else!" She took a deep breath and tried to lower her voice. "I was sitting home patiently waiting for him to come back so we could finally be together. What an idiot I was! He was out screwing so Aussyland bitch! Oh yeah, that's really love! It really showed me how much he cared about me."  
Ryan just frowned. What could he say? The events all took place. While he was looking for something comforting to say, Pam started ranting again.  
"Ever since I met him...I don't know there was always something. He acted like he wanted to tell me something but then never did. I thought may be he liked me but he never said anything so how did I know for sure? I didn't! And he was always with some girl." Pam was talking so fast that Ryan had a hard time catching every word. "Then at the casino night weeks before my wedding he told me he loved me. He did. I know I freaked out! I was engaged to Roy for forever. I was in shock but I knew I loved him. Then he kissed me. Oh Ryan, it was amazing. Sorry...Then I called everything off." Her voice was going softer and softer. Tears were streaming down her face. "I thought there was something special between us. I thought he would give me just a little bit of time to get myself together for him. I wanted so much to be with him. But he..." The sobs were cutting off the words. "He didn't...he just didn't..."  
Ryan pulled her into a hug and rubbed her back. "Shhhh. It's okay. It will be okay." He rocked her bit calming her. When she was done, they watched a movie and fell asleep in the couch. Sometime in early morning, Pam kissed Ryan on the cheek and whispered her thanks and left to go get ready for work.  
oxoxoxox  
So went the week. Pam found herself on Friday trying not to watch Jim talk to Cindy on the cell phone. She wasn't trying to eavesdrop but it was hard not to do so. Jim proximity was extremely close. She also noticed whenever Cindy called, which was often, Jim would cover his mouth with his hand as if trying to muffle his words for privacy's sake.  
Jim hide his frustration at Cindy the best he could, but she was driving him crazy. She kept calling him at work and kept reminding him of "his responsibility to her and his unborn child". "Cindy, I will drive up tomorrow." He rolled his eyes. "Yes, by early afternoon. Bye."  
Pam thought that was curious. Why wasn't he rushing home to be with his new girlfriend for the weekend? Did that mean he was going out with everyone from the office? Butterflies started to flutter about in her stomach. She tried to school herself that it didn't matter but it did and she found that pathetic.

Just then Ryan caught her eye and smiled with a nod. She smiled back. Jim who was hanging up the phone saw her smile and knowing it wasn't directed at him turned around to find Ryan was the receiptant of her attention. Catching that little exchange between the two of them made Jim feel rather nauseous. How could she?

Against his better judgment, Jim grouped the office group at Chili's. He couldn't stop himself from going over to talk to Pam. "So are you worried that you will be recognized?" He smiled as he referred to her lifetime ban of the Chili's restaurant for her habit of second drinks. She was so beautiful that night, especially as she was lying on the floor. It was as if she were waiting for him to join her. Subject change needed of his thoughts immediately before he embarrassed him self!  
In spite of herself, Pam laughed. "I think that manager is gone, so I am feeling pretty confident." There was an awkward silence that hung in the air for a bit. She decided to suck it up. "So, how have you been?"

Jim wanted to really tell her how terrible life had been but he smiled. "Fine. Never better. You?"  
Well, two can play at this game. Pam stared at him with open challenge. She was almost mad at him. "Fine. Never better."

Not knowing what to say next, Jim made a safe suggestion. "Shall we sit down?"

"Sure why not." Pam said in a strangely carefree but tightly wound voice. Once they arrived at the table, she deposited her self next to Ryan forcing him to sit opposite her.

Jim didn't really talk much the rest of the night. He nodded appropriately when Michael made his welcome speech to the new family members of the Scranton branch and answered questions when asked. But his primary activity was watching Pam. He watched her drink several pretty colored potions. He watched her touch Ryan far too often and he watched her try very hard to have fun. He wanted to yell that she shouldn't have to try so fucking hard to be happy. Jim wanted to grab her drunken little face and kiss her silly but of course he just watched her.  
Kevin asked a very inappropriate but relevant question. "So Pam, what's going on? Are you seeing Ryan?"

Pam's eyes got huge and she didn't know how to response. She opened her mouth but nothing seemed to come out. He couldn't help but notice Kelly was listening closely for the answer and Jim was holding his breath. Ryan answered for her. "We are just friends, Kevin." He nodded his head to reinforce his words.

Kevin cracked a smile. "Yeah. Friends with benefits." Michael chortled a bit. Then several people laughed nervously.

Jim's heart screamed as Pam's blush told the truth. She and Ryan were together. He was going to be sick. He didn't care what it looked like, he needed to leave. He needed to get out of this place right now! He stood up awkwardly. "Well, it's been fun guys, but I have a long drive. See you on Monday." He couldn't look at Pam. He kept his eyes away from her direction. He left the restaurant and left Scranton as quickly as he could.

Pam just stared after him. Ryan squeezed her hand under the table and started the conversation in a different direction. He couldn't miss the fact that Kelly was shooting him daggers. She left after she told everyone how wonderful her doctor was to her. How he was the answer to her dreams. Soon he felt Pam squeeze his hand. Damn. Life Sucks!


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 8  
Cindy was surprised that Jim came home on Friday night. She welcomed him with a big hug. It felt nice to be wanted some place. But looking at Cindy, he knew he would be sleeping on the couch that weekend. She tried not to push it but it pissed her off that he hadn't slept with her once since they got to America. She believed that after she told him she was pregnant that he would treat her differently, but that wasn't the case. She needed a new plan.

oxoxox

Pam tried enjoying the benefits of Ryan's friendship but it was difficult. The sex was great but that's all it was. A temporary relief was all it ever provided to either of them. By the end of the weekend, they came to the conclusion that they would table the benefits side of their friendship for now. They were both too in love with other people to continue. They decided not to be awkward with each other which were hard at first but by Monday afternoon it almost felt normal.  
Jim just glared in her direction. Finally when he didn't look away quick enough Pam stuck her tongue out at him. It was so unexpected he started laughing. She smiled at him for a moment before she went back to her computer busy work.

Later that day, he walked over to the reception area to collect a jelly bean and see if he could say anything that would make her smile. When he got to the desk, he kind of froze and she looked like a deer in the headlights. A lovely doe but a deer none the less. They shared a long look. His look turned into an apology for everything as he cocked his head to the right. She sighed then smiled at him. Her smile didn't give him forgiveness but gave him an opening to talk. "Hey."

She smiled. God, I love it when he says that. "Hey."

Even though she was with Ryan, he missed her. May be we could still be friends, friends without benefits but friends. "Lunch?"

She nodded. "12 o'clock?" She smiled as he confirmed with a nod.

The morning dragged. Both Pam and Jim could barely stay seated. The clock appeared broken because it wasn't moving. At one point, Jim looked over and Pam found she was watching the clock willing it to move. It was exactly what he was doing seconds before. At least, he was the only one who was anxious for lunchtime. He arched an eyebrow at her and she blushingly smiled.

He looked at the papers on his desk and tried not to grin.  
He shot her a quick email.

Pam-  
Hungry now?  
-Jim

She received the email and smiled. It was quarter after 11 but she nodded. She grabbed her lunch and headed for the break room. Jim was right behind her. "The roof."

She didn't question it, she just kept walking. They climbed the ladder and opened the door. It was the scene of their "first" date. Memories of that evening played in both of their minds.

"Hey, do you remember..." Pam asked.

"Yeah. What about Dwight?" Jim laughed at the thought.

Pam giggled. "How does one forget that?" Shaking her head. It was amazing that they had slipped back into their friendship.

Jim arranged the chairs so they could not be viewed from the parking lot. They sat down and ate in comfortable silence. Jim felt like this was the first food he had tasted in weeks. He never knew how good a ham and cheese sandwich could taste. Jim looked at the side of Pam's face as she ate until she noticed him staring.

"What? Do I have something on my face?" She was instantly wiping the side of her face.  
He wanted to be suave and say yeah, my lips but that wasn't suave and there was Cindy. "No, you have nothing on your face." He couldn't say anything. She was right there and he couldn't have her because he had someone else. Was this how she felt? Me looking at her the way she is looking at me and not being able to say a damned thing about it?

The silence all of a sudden got uncomfortable. Jim filled it with the dumbest question ever. "So you and Ryan, huh?"

Pam looked at him and looked almost angry. She wanted to lie. She should have lied. "Not anymore."

"Oh." Get the cheer out of your voice. You have Cindy. "Sorry."

Pam looked at him blankly. "No, you're not." She wasn't pulling punches. She was tired of playing these games with him. It was all they ever seemed to be able to do.

Jim looked at her and frowned. "You're right. Sorry." Damn, he was a jerk!

Pam decided to be a masochist. "So how's Cindy?"

Fuck, what did one say about the girl you wanted to dump but couldn't because you knocked her up? "Oh, um...she's okay." Jim knew he sounded lame and stupid. Time for a subject change. "We need to come up with a plan to torture Michael's self-proclaimed the sentry." He wanted to take them to a place of mischief and fun where it was safe and happy.

She willingly went with him for the journey. "Oh definitely. Dwight has really lost it this time. He tries to make me tell him why I am entering Michael's office each time I bring Michael anything."  
The rest of the lunchtime was passed in gleeful plotting against an unsuspecting Dwight. Jim went to his desk feeling happier than he felt in months. Pam was smiling throughout the afternoon and sometimes laughing when she remembered something that Jim had said. It felt like things were being put back together. Right now they were only being held together with chewing gum and tape but they were holding together. Jim was hopeful that may be things could eventually be okay.

As soon as hope reared its head it was squished beneath Cindy's clicking heels. On Thursday, Cindy showed up at lunchtime right before Jim and Pam were heading off to the roof for another planning session. Each day the session was more comfortable and more fun. Jim was shocked to see Cindy standing there. Cindy rushed over to see him and gave him a big hug and kiss. Jim watched as Pam tried not to look hurt as he unwound the human vine from around him.

Pam realized this is how Jim probably felt when watching Roy being physically affection to her in the office. Her heart ached and she wanted to cry. She wanted to tear the tall blonde limb from limb for touching Jim. But then Cindy did have a right to touch Jim she was his girlfriend. Pam truly hoped Jim hadn't experienced this feeling every time Roy touched her but she had a feeling this was his personal hell. Now all the hurtful comment that came out of his mouth usually after such a display was more understandable. Pam just did her best not to cry as she looked away.  
Michael came shooting out of his office. "So who is this lovely thing?"

Jim knew Michael wasn't going anywhere without an introduction so he introduced Cindy. "Everyone this is Cindy. She is from Australia."

Cindy said, "Hi, everyone. It is so nice to meet you." Everyone's eyes looked at her and then to Pam. They were unsure of how to response.

Michael completely unaware of the tension. "So you are the beauty that helped old Jimbo get over Pam." He wiggled his eyebrows. "Nice taste my man." He told Jim as he gave him a manly punch to the arm.

Pam's eyes stayed glued to the computer and prayed for deafness. She just kept breathing. It had to get better.

"So are you staying long?" Michael was too curious not to ask.

Cindy looked at the clock. "No, I won't bother Jim. I just thought I could see him for lunch."

Michael laughed. "No. I mean stay in the country."

Cindy hated to look slow. "Oh, I think permanently." As she patted her stomach and smiled. She wasn't showing but it was her meaning wasn't lost.

Dwight piped up. "You mean you are with child?" His eyes shot to Jim and then he smiled. "You are as fertile as a Shrute my friend."

Jim wished the earth really could open him up and swallow him whole. He looked over at Pam and knew how hurt she must be. He knew how hurt he would be if the places were reversed. It didn't surprise him when she stood up with a mask of calm on her face and walked out of the building.

Jim stood up to follow, but Ryan moved past him. "I got it. You stay here, man." He didn't want someone else taking care of Pam. Jim didn't want to stay there. He wanted to be sure Pam was okay.

oxoxoxo

Ryan found Pam at her car door. She was just standing there looking at it. Ryan touched her shoulder. She looked at him blankly. "No keys." She held out her hands to show they were empty.  
He guided her over to his car. "Come on." Ryan put her in the passenger seat and drove her to his place. He used his cell phone to call Michael to tell him that Pam was sick. Michael didn't really say much because Cindy was obliviously a distraction for him. Ryan was relieved to get the brush off from him. Michael even told him to take the rest of the day off and just make sure Pam was okay.

Pam looked like she was in shock. Jim was having a baby and it wasn't with her. Ryan didn't question or stop Pam when she grabbed him and started kissing him. He let her. He had overhear Kelly tell Toby that her new doctor was incredible in bed..."the best she'd ever had" Even though Ryan was pretty sure Kelly made him hear her, it hurt like hell. Ryan wanted to prove to somebody... that he didn't even know what he needed to prove...but Pam was with him. It was all so messed up. Pam was moaning that she was close so he paid attention and made sure she enjoyed herself a number of times. When it was over, they didn't talk; she just turned on his TV and went to sleep. He woke her for dinner which she didn't eat. She stayed the night and he took her to her apartment in the morning. Ryan didn't mind waiting for her as she showered and dressed for work.

Pam looked at him in the car and smiled. "Thank you, Ryan. You really are a good friend."  
Ryan rolled his eyes. Yes, he slept with all his good friends. "This is twisted. You know that right?" She nodded. "But hey whatever. I told you I would be here if you wanted to be numb."  
"Well, you didn't exactly make me numb." She was trying to be cute with her double intended but failed. "But I am walking a bit funny."

Ryan smiled a bit and they both said "That's what she said!" They cracked up as they turning into the office parking lot. They drove up laughing. As they got out of the car, they saw Jim was watching them from his car. Ryan smiled at Pam. "And here we go again!"

Jim had been sitting there looking at her car. He knew she left yesterday because of him and had a feeling she didn't come back because of Ryan. Jim tried not to watch them as they drove up together but he couldn't help it. Ryan was making her laugh. He obliviously succeeded in making her feel better. Jim should be happy for her, for them but he couldn't be. He wanted to be the one to make her laugh, to make her smile, to make her cum. Pam looked over at him and tried to smile, but she just looked guilty. He ran his fingers through his hair and hit the steering wheel. How could life suck this bad?


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Pam watched Jim walk in. She didn't know what to say to him. Pam knew she should congratulate him about the baby but she just couldn't. It was a cut to her heart and she didn't think it would stop bleeding pain ever. She would just learn to deal with it like everything else. Ryan looked over at her with a questioning look so she just smiled to show him she would survive.  
Jim walked in with his head down. He tried not to see the look pass between Pam and Ryan. Obliviously, Pam was back with Ryan. It took a lot of effort not to punch Ryan in the face. But what cause did he have? He had another girl living in his apartment. A girl he had gotten pregnant and now even though Pam was free she still couldn't be his. How unfair life was at times.  
The day dragged and without thinking Jim walked up to the roof at lunchtime. It was the place of their "first" date. He wanted to be alone but as soon as he opened the door he could see he wasn't. Pam was sitting in one of the lawn chairs and had her face buried in her hands. It looked like she was crying. He knew he should probably just turn around and go but there was no way he could leave her there.  
He went over there and put his hand on her shoulder. She jumped a bit then tried to hide her tears. He crouched down in front of her and grabbed her hand. "Hey. Don't cry. It's alright."  
Pam sniffled and blew her nose. She nodded at him and tried to smile. Her attempt at a smile was so sad. Jim sat down without asking. There was no need to ask because he knew she wanted him there. He didn't let go of her hand. They just sat there in silence holding hands while Pam tried not to cry. Minutes of their lunch ticked away slowly.  
She squeezed his hand once and let it go. She looked up at him and said, "Thank you, Jim." Pam wanted to say so many things but none of them needed to be said. She stood up to go.  
Jim was quickly on his feet and grabbed both her hands to hold them up to his chest. Jim just stared at her so he could drink in her quiet beauty. His eyes were screaming his deep love for her and such loss she could barely look him. The pain faded into frustration. "You are with Ryan again." He didn't mean for it to sound like such an accusation but it did.  
She had come to the roof to escape and to dream. Instead all she could do was cry over what never was. Pam was too emotionally spent not to respond. "Cindy's pregnant." The venom in her voice was foreign to her ears but she knew it was to hide her pain. Hurt laced through Jim. He nodded. She nodded back. Pam swallowed and cleared her throat. "Congratulations." Her voice was so quiet he could barely hear her.  
"Congratulations? Congratulations? Are you serious? You can't be fucking serious!" Jim was speaking in a very tight voice of disbelief. He shook his head and looked away from her. He held her hands close to his heart so she could feel the mad beat of it.  
Pam was pissed now. Who was he to be mad at her? She pulled her hands out of his hands. "Yes, I am fucking serious! That's what I am supposed to say, isn't it?" He looked at her was so much pain it actually hurt her. "You are my best friend. You are having a baby." She couldn't help the small sob that escaped her. "You are having a baby with Cindy. I am supposed to say 'Congratulations'!" She knew her voice was raising but she couldn't help it. She was losing it. The tears filled her eyes again. How many tears did one have to cry? She was probably well over her limit.  
After a deep breath, Jim exhaled and said, "You should say what you feel."  
Pam's tears spilled over her cheeks and she laughed bitterly. "Say what I feel. Right." She looked at him with disgust. "You have no idea how I feel."  
If there was a straw for Jim's camel, this may have been it. He looked like he was going to roar but actually his voice sounded extremely calm. "I have no idea how you feel? Really?" He cocked his head as if trying to ponder her feelings. "Over the last four years, I think I may have some experience. I know how it feels to love someone who is in love with someone else. I know how it feels to try not to think of the person you adore making love to someone else. I understand how it feels to try so hard not to love someone you can never have. I also know how it feels to lose everything you ever wanted." Tears glistened in his eyes as he looked into her face with such sadness and want.

She stared at him and tried to wipe away the tears his words caused. Another sob left her body. She had to ask. "Do you know how it feels to finally allow yourself to go after what you want and not get it?"  
"I believe that is referred to as Casino Night." Jim stated it simply.  
Pam nodded because she had no argument. She had put him through hell and now she was a resident in that hell. What was there to do? She had no idea but she couldn't stop herself from crying. She was sobbing before she knew it, she was being hugged closely. It felt so good and so right that it made her cry even harder. She melted into his body. She reached up and blew her nose. Her eyes were watery when she looked up at him.  
He held her tight. She felt too good and he couldn't bring himself to let go. When she looked up at him with her beautiful eyes, he was lost. His heart squeezed and regardless of the past month, he loved her. He knew deep in his heart he always would. Her lips were calling to his and he answered. She seemed taken by surprised when his lips slowly descended to brushed across hers. With a soft moan, she gave herself over to his kiss. Hearing her moan of acceptance, he groaned and turned the kiss into one filled with passion and longing and love. Minutes, hours or even months may have passed before he lifted his head back to look at her.  
She looked up at him blinking her big eyes. God, he wanted her. It was more than physical. He wanted all of her. She tried to speak but he just kissed her again. It said everything he wanted to but couldn't.  
Pam pulled away this time and looked up at him. "Cindy's pregnant." It was a statement as well as a conclusion on their relationship. He nodded his head but he wouldn't let her go. May be it was wrong but she stayed in his arms.  
He wanted and desperately needed to find a solution. "What are we going to do?"  
Her tears were gone but her lips were still swollen from his kisses. She shrugged. "There is nothing we can do. Cindy is having your baby." Somehow being so close to him gave her more strength then she thought possible. "I love you. I think you love me."  
"I do." His voice was strangled with emotion. Jim was sure he wasn't going to like the conclusion of this conversion.  
"You have responsibilities. I can't get in the way of your child." Pam shook her head as she stated clearly what he already knew. Their eyes spoke of their love, their sorrow and their loss. She gave him a quick hug before pulling away. "Our lunch was over ten minutes ago."  
He nodded. He couldn't trust him self to speak. Jim watched her walk away yet again.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 10

A month passed since he visited the roof. He worked Monday through Friday and then went to Stamford on Saturday. Each week he left Scranton later and later on Saturday until this weekend he did not plan on go at all. Jim just couldn't. He spent each Saturday trying to convince himself, he could be happy with Cindy. By Saturday night, he knew it would never happen. Thankfully, Cindy stopped trying to seduce him off the couch. She just walked around patting her tummy and smiling. He couldn't wait for Sunday because he could leave for Scranton. Jim felt awful because it wasn't Cindy's fault but he just couldn't love her.  
Pam had stopped enjoying the benefits of Ryan soon after her trip to the roof. He took it well. After all, he had been expecting it. They still hung out on occasion but there was no more numbing of their pain. Her evenings and weekends were spent painting. The time passed quickly as she filled canvas after canvas. She seemed to have only one subject and he had the most expressive eyes. As she looked around her apartment, she sometimes felt like she was being invaded by Jim clones in various colors and technique. It was as if she was attempting to purge her soul. The attempt was failing because with each stroke of the brush, she fell deeper and deeper in love with him.  
Work had been strained at first but now a routine was established. That first week Jim and Pam could barely say good morning to each other. The second week, their little conversations about nothing resumed. The third week, the office watched Pam Pong again and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Everyone other than Jim and Pam because there was no relief in resuming the fertile game they couldn't help but play. The fourth week they were eating lunch together talking about everything that best friends talked about except what was truly on their minds. The fifth week found them lunching on the roof.  
Jim hadn't realized the pull the roof had over him. He wasn't thinking of getting Pam alone but that's just what the roof did. It gave them the privacy they craved. The privacy not to touch each other. It gave them privacy to fight their feelings for each other. Pam obliviously was feeling the privacy might not be a good idea. So he tried keeping it light.  
"It is such a beautiful day, we deserve to be outside. Don't you think?"  
Pam nodded as she looked at him wide eyed. Geez, don't look at me like that! I might have to kiss you. "Did you see Wife Swap last night?"  
"Nah, I missed it. Was it good?" Jim asked.  
"I didn't see it." I was too busy painting your likeness in vivid colors.  
Somehow they were standing very close to each other. He was looking down at her and she was looking up. Their breath was intermingling. Attraction pulled them slowly together, so now they were leaning into each other just staring into each others eyes. Somehow their breathing changed so every inhale he took Jim was taking in her exhaled breath. She swayed into him a bit as she breathed him into her. It was like some tantric exercise that couples practiced to reconnect. If it was a tantric exercise, it should be called soul kissing because that's what it felt like.  
Time ticked on as they drank in the other. They seemed frozen in place. Love and want were so intertwined that it was impossible to determine one from the other. Gravity had drawn their faces mere inches apart now. Their lips were a breath away. The need to kiss was unbelievably overwhelming. Each stood their ground and was drowning in their own desire. So close now. Their lips were so close one small move would have caused contract.  
Pam's body was resting into Jim's. Pam could feel the proof of Jim's arousal pushing against her. Her body answered by reading itself for joining. If she wasn't so turned on she might have been embarrassed by the cream that was seeping into her panties. Just the slightest friction would have caused her to shatter into orgasm. She was panting with need. Her breasts ached and her rosy tips begged to be squeezed, licked or suckled. Anything. But she held her ground.  
This is truly torture. Everything Jim wanted was right there. Pam didn't seem to be backing down but daring him to take her. Her plump shiny glossed lips were angled up towards his. They were begging to be kissed. It would be so easy to kiss her. He wondered briefly if anyone died from frustration. Their bodies were pressed tightly against each other. He could faintly smell her lust for him and it was quite heady. Everything he ever wanted was right there and seemed to be his for the taking. Oh, how he wanted to take her. If it were half as good as his dreams, he might very well die of pleasure.  
In and out their breath flowed. Their lips tickled by the breath of the other. They were so close to kissing and even closer to heaven, but neither was moving. They stood frozen by their want, need and mostly by their love. To act on this now seemed as if it was a betrayal to each other. A kiss could never just be a kiss with them. Each was begging the other to betray them both and so they could have what they needed so badly. Neither could do it. They just stared into everything they wanted and denied themselves for the sake of the other.  
Jim realized if he didn't break the moment the eroticism would overtake them. They both seemed on the brink, ready to spill over into insanity. Pam's panting was probably as loud as his must be. She seemed to be trembling against him. God, let me have her. Just once. No! Not just once. I need forever! Jim knew if he couldn't have forever, once would just plunge they into a hell neither of them deserved. Jim groaned as his decision was made. He lifted his head and stepped back. Pam moaned in disappointment at the loss. He felt utterly foolish for not giving them both what they needed.  
Pam stared up at him. Her look was a mix of emotions. She was hurt, sad, angry, very frustrated but she seemed to understand. Desperately, she tried to calm her breathing and stop her damned panting. She felt so pathetic. After Ryan, she thought she knew what pleasure she was capable of but Jim blew that theory out of the water. She was pressed up against Jim, looking into his eyes, feeling his breath on his lips and that alone had her seconds away from the best orgasm of her life. Her insides clenched in disappointment.  
Jim looked down at his feet. He couldn't look at her. He didn't have that much control. Hearing her labored breathing didn't help the situation. He could almost hear her trying to think of what to say. It made him smile.   
"What?" Pam questioned his smile.  
"What?" Jim dared to look up still smiling.  
"Why are you smiling?" She tried not to sound pissy but it was pretty hard. Why was he smiling? She felt like she was going to die. If there was a female equalivent of blue balls she had it.  
"You. Because of you I am smiling. As bad as everything is right now," he looked at her with love and almost happiness, "You are still my best friend and with you in my life, it can't possibly be so bad."  
She looked down and blushed.  
Jim decided to go for it. The worse she could say was no. "Hey, best friend you want to go to the carnival on Friday night?"  
"Together?" Pam was a bit taken back. They had almost done it on the roof and he was talking about a carnival not five minutes later.  
"Yeah. Together. That would be the point of me asking you." He couldn't resist the tease.  
She rolled her eyes. Pam really wanted to go but what about Cindy. "Aren't you going back to Stamford this weekend?"  
""Nope. What about Cindy?" Pam had to ask.  
"She won't be coming." Jim trying to keep it light but what was he doing? He was actually asking Pam to the fair. "Come on what do you say?" Pam nodded. Pleasure shot through him followed by excitement. "Great! It will be fun." Pam nodded nervously.


End file.
